Had

a nightmare last night... it froze my heart I woke and found my body cold. No matter how hard I tried, I can't warm myself up I thought I was dying. What sorrow I felt from that dream, a sadness that weakened my physically shivering heart. What sadness I cried. What sadness. May I never ever experience such sorrow in reality. Never ever, I beg, I beg.


You know, the reason why I have more time than many is because God only gave me a little to manage. The "free" time I have from Him, I really want to use it more for myself and doing my own stuff instead of wasting it on searching for missing items or unecessary trouble etc. When God gave anyone a lot to handle in their lives such as a family, successful career, it's definitely no excuse or even reason to expect or have others help you out, in those or other personal matters. You can ask Him for people who can offer a lil help and advice here and there and it's really fine, but if you are not going to take full responsibility for what God has graciously blessed you with, I really think it's such a waste.

Just like how I wasted what God has given me and opted for a ridiculous path when I first graduated. Though God lifted me up when I made a mess of my life and landed down in the dumps, the truth remains that the damage has already been done. How much more when it comes to people.


Lately, I find my heart getting colder and colder towards everyone. Disappointed and disheartened with almost everyone around me. I realized that I can never love as He loves, because people's indifference really hurts a lot. I don't know how God managed to bear with all those piled up sadness from being rejected and hated by men over and over again and seeing their ugly side and still loving them so deeply, but I can never do it, that you try so hard to love and care for people, to help them and be more understanding, but they just treat you like crap and fool you around.


心灰意冷。



--If I can tell you something now, I just want to say thank you. For you are the only human who bothers about me, though I know very well I'm totally not worthy of you, and that's why you never came...right?--